look at me..as i hold a piece of my heart, it used to look like a brand new beat
but then it suddenly became torn and started to bleed... i felt insane enough to throw
it all away. i started to cry, then started to laugh, then started to realize and ask myself
was it all worth it? living? breathing? and dying all at the same time?
time passed me by like a bullet fired through a gun. so much has happened within a year of my life time, each chapter unfolding after one has ended a new chapter begins. i barely realized i was changing, i barely realized i was dying.
yet, one story will remain forever untold if i don't decide to share to the world who i am deep down, but i guess it won't be bothered. no one will take effort, no one will read. but, what the heck, i will take my chance. hear my cry, its all i have. my words are my only daggers to protect myself.
in this everything that i feel. die hard to the core... as each words began to spin around and tell you a short story of my life... that will never be gone....
-----------
::nightmare::
------------
My older brother, insane and stupid. yet, intelligent by all means if he wishes. he has a problem about himself. ever since i was little he would blame me everything that has happened wrong in his life. from money, school and almost every fucking thing about him.
my justification?
is it me who made the decisions? i am or may be one of those reasons yet, it isn't me who made those decisions.
i never talked back. instead i'd let him do what ever he wanted.
back then, he would choke me and life me up, angry because i told mom that he had visitors at home. threw the old wooden chair at me and everything he could because he was drunk, and would punch my face, my whole body like i was a sand bag, take my money and everything. i never did anything that would displease him before. he was always a jealouse brat!
he would always rant that how come i always studied in a private school, how come i get money even if i was just young, how come i get new stuff even if he was treated equally and the same as all the children in the family.
well, i guess he never was really contented.
he touched the maid, because he was drunk. ending us in a problematic year during my second year, sudden shift to perpetual calamba. he actually planned it all along just to get close to his girlfriend. he wants to marry her, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO WORK FOR THE LIVING!
DAMN!
HE steals the car at the night and comes home with damages on it when my mom rants he blames it on me. wow, thats a great result he has all the fun when he hurts me, but i guess my body has become more and more numb because when he does make a punching bag out of me. its like am playing boxing every year. so it won't hurt so much anymore. its just so sad, because my Dad never Hurt me like that because he doesn't hit a girl no matter how big of a deal i make he'd end up talking to me. but, then my brother i guess has no respect for women.
up to now, he has gotten worse than ever.
not to mention a few days ago he just made a dirty finger on my mom, blaming her for all his mistakes.
when all she gave is oppurtunity.
i had it with this life. if only i could be strong enough, i want to escape. i want to leave, i want to live a life on my own. the only reason that has kept me going thats why i never ran away before. because i wanted to finish my studies. i didn't want to loose. but, this is too much. i don't know how long and how much more can i take. i want to leave, i want to escape, i want to break free. but, am alone!
no one can help me but me. so i guess to share my words would be enough and soon perhaps, this entry would only be a eulogy of me.
my death is approaching, could it be that i would soon be dying?
let me scream to you my heart, i will let you see the darkness of my past, present and future. no one can save me...
yet, i pray that one day...
i will be able to see a little way of hope....
~end~
